I want to start off this final post (You may see a fourth one! We are just getting to the good stuff! :) )on courtship by saying that, I feel a little out of sorts to share my heart on this phase of courtship because I haven’t experienced it yet. So in this post I share with you my hope, my desire for my own love story, and what I have witnessed in watching other couples love stories. I have watched it play out many times, and found it so irresistible, I had to share! So again, if you have any questions regarding any of these posts, or even any comments, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I love talking about it, and believe it or not, your comments about agreeing or even disagreeing help me to shape and form my own beliefs. But above all, just as we should when reading anything, always bring it back to God’s Word—to test and approve what is being said, and again… pray.
I have to start out this final post by speaking directly to my brothers in Christ: I feel for you! Your job in pursuing and winning the heart of your lady is such a heroic and courageous act! I was able to watch my brother and brother-in-law pursue their future wives, and my heart went out to them every day. You definitely have the harder role in courtship, but it will be so worth it! You guys are amazing.
C.S. Lewis once said, “To love is to be vulnerable.” I really believe this. When I last left off in my previous posts, we talked about the waiting period while we are young, the blessing of the friendship phase, getting to know each other as families and friends, and eventually God drawing one heart to another. At this point, we know when God has drawn us to someone and we can begin praying for that person specifically, with parents and mentors, for God to confirm if this is the person He has for you. When a young man feels that God has confirmed him to move forward, he goes to her father to ask for a spiritual blessing over their relationship, for permission to court his daughter, with the hope that marriage will be the end goal. He is not just vulnerable in front of his future wife; he also must become vulnerable in front of his future father-in-law.
I remember late one night my big brother, John, called me from his dorm room in California. Out of all of my siblings, I would have to say that I am most like John. So needless to say, I couldn’t wait to talk to him! I remember this night, specifically; it was a late summer night, and I was lying outside on our hammock. As always, John was making me laugh about some random thing, however, suddenly the conversation changed. We started talking about Sarah.
“You can be praying for me, Kara,” John said, “I feel like I love her.” The vulnerability in my brother was amazing. I loved Sarah from the moment I met her. Her quiet disposition, how she was constantly serving everyone around her, how she giggled at all of John’s jokes, how she loved God and her family—I knew they would be perfect for each other. However, in this moment, something shifted. All at once, I truly realized that my brother really, really loved her.
When my big brother came home on one of his school breaks, he made a plan talk to Sarah’s father. He had already expressed his heart for her to our parents, and they were already praying for God to confirm that this was the girl for my brother. As they prayed, John felt his love for Sarah grow; and my parents felt peace from the Lord that she was the one for him. My mom remembers the day that John planned to go talk to Sarah’s father. They prayed together for God to give him courage, strength, and the right words to express his desire to court Sarah. With shaking hands and pounding heart, but fierce determination, John left to meet him.
This meeting between a man and the girl’s father is not about “getting to know each other.” I feel that this process should have already happened as friendship grew. In order for a father to even think about giving his permission and blessing for courtship, he has to know what and who this man is about. The young man needs to take time not only to build a friendship between himself and this girl, he must also spend time getting to know the family—and building a relationship with the dad. Otherwise, the dad is going to be forced to say no, because he will not know who this man is. Now don’t get me wrong, you don’t need to make her father your new BFF, but he should know who you are and what you are about if you want access to his girl!
Another piece of this is on the daughters end. At this point, as I said in the last post, the girl should already be praying for this young guy alongside her parents. It is necessary for the girl to communicate to her parents about how she feels toward this man, and her heart’s desire for him in her life. Otherwise, when the time does come for the man to approach the father, he is again going to be forced to say no because he does not want to put his daughter into a potentially bad or uncomfortable situation.
So, this meeting between man and father is not about getting to know each other, it is about stating his intentions. It is the act of the guy showing that he desires to have everyone on the same page in regards to his relationship with this girl. He is stating that he believes God is leading them into a future marriage. His heart is already turned, and he is telling the father that his intention is marriage—not just, “We’ll see if it works out.”
It is also about getting a spiritual blessing over a relationship; or in other words, a covering. In the Bible, a spiritual blessing was a big deal. It was a way for a father to express his approval, his permission, his open doorway to his greatest treasures on earth. And in courtship, he is giving permission to his daughter’s heart. God first entrusted the heart of each girl to her father. He is the doorway. The blessing for courtship is in effect a father saying he has permission to come into the inner workings of the family and of his daughter’s heart. The Bible also says that we are given spiritual blessings when we enter into a relationship with Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:3)—so the same should be with marriage.
From a father, it is not only words of permission for his daughter to enter into a relationship, but it is also a sign and commitment that the father is going to pray for this couple. He is not yet giving permission for marriage, but rather giving his blessing for a young man to pursue and win the heart of his daughter for marriage, and inviting God to cover and bless the courtship as they grow deeper toward one another. My dad says it this way, “Giving a spiritual blessing is not giving permission for marriage quite yet, rather it is like the father giving permission for the young man to step through the doorway of the castle as the father lowers the draw bridge, welcoming him in.”
To any girls out there that grew up like my mom, without a father: A spiritual blessing does not need to come exclusively from a father. It can come from a trusted uncle, grandfather, pastor or godly spiritual mentor in your life! Choose someone like this in your life and share with them your heart for courtship, ask them to be your ‘spiritual covering’ over your heart.
And, guys! This can be totally romantic to the girl you are pursuing! I have told the story of my brother-in-law coming to talk to my dad. And mind you, he knew my dad from the time he was a little baby, so you wouldn’t think any reason to be nervous, right? Definitely not the case! This is hard stuff! My brother-in-law tells the story of him and his family driving over to Seattle from Spokane with the intention for Ryan to meet with my dad and Ryan threw up in a garbage can before he went to talk to him! Every girl that I have told that story too thinks it’s one of the most romantic things and totally melts at the story! It’s hard, but that simple act of putting yourself out there and meeting with this girl’s father can mean the world to this girl and she can see the Knight in shining armor that you are! As I said before, I have not yet experienced this phase of Courtship; however, this is my hope: that the man, who desires to pursue my heart, will have the same desire for a spiritual blessing from not only my father—but his own as well.
I can’t wait.
“But, alas, you must.” – Dad
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