This Thorn Within My Side

I am a motion sick flight attendant and a sea sick sailor
Begging the moon to turn its face aside and hold back the windy Tide
I’ve been put on this ride, and whether I am ready or not
My flight has taken off

I feel unfit for this fleet
And Dislike the fact of nothing but
Air between the concrete and my feet
The wind in this sky is nothing compared
To the turbulence in my heart

My mind is speaking and my ears are hearing
As the pressure around is caving and popping
With the elevation rising—
I feel unequipped

I get sick from the slightest movement
And my stomach turns at the slightest provocation
Yet in the midst of this occupation
I am called to serve

I feel I couldn’t have been created for this—
Due to my motion sickness
I have a job to fulfill yet the
Mind and body You created
Appear feeble and weak

Could it be me?
Maybe I should get off this ride
Maybe I am called to a job
That involves a solid, unmoving drive
At least something that can shake away this thorn within my side

I continue to feel that This plane is unrelenting
The pain and fear is peaking
However, it is in this moment when
I finally start seeing
A view from high above;
This that You created

I was created—
My motion sick mind does not dictate or control me—
I was created for You
Created by a God that is good
By a God that can see and perceive all of this affliction
Before it even happens

At the climax He counters it with affection
And it is at this time
That I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
Through the beauty of this view and in the midst of this climb
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed
Your unfailing love for me will never be moved

My motion sick mind cannot be trusted in this climate of notion
My perception is not clear
Until I come through that cloud and fog of fear
I realize that You are ever near

Your grace is sufficient
While I have this thorn within my side
I have become equipped and fit for this fleet through
Your strength and light
In which I am enabled to finish out this flight
Even despite an uneasy tide and a motion sick mind
Your calling will override
And Your love, I will always find

 
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken.” - Isaiah 54:10

Sunglasses

     I want to be fully honest with you; I want to know God’s will for my life.

Wait, you too?

     Some days I earnestly pray all day that God would just shine light over the unknown so I can better follow Him.  So I can know what to do.  I do not need a booming voice from the Heavens or a burning bush to tell me what God’s will is for my life.  However, a nice little letter in the mail, an email, or even a Facebook message from God would suffice.  Honestly, anything would be enough; I simply want to know which path to take.  I just want to know.

     In one of his songs, Chris Rice says that he would take “No” for an answer just to know he heard God speak because sometimes trying to see God’s will for his life is like trying to “Smell the color nine.”  That is how I feel too.  If I were to get a “No” from God when I ask about something, I would be content, because at least I know for sure that that is not the path to take.  However, every once and a while, I do not feel like I get a “Yes” or “No.”  People might say that is God’s “Wait,” but sometimes I feel like I need to act right away.  So what do I do?  I squint past the situation and try to see through to the thick, foggy future.

     In Psalm 119:105 it says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”  This verse intrigues me.  God could have inspired these words to say that His word is a headlamp to our path.  Picture a miner with his light attached to his helmet as he sets out into a vast, dark tunnel.  Sometimes I wish that that is what it said, because a headlamp shines ahead of where we stand—at least five paces ahead.  We would be able to see what was ahead, but the present would be darkened—God didn’t want that.  If it were this way, we would be left in the darkness with no comfort except seeing our own destiny; robbing us of contentment for the now and taking away the ability to learn and experience the simple joys of the season we are in.  God says He will never leave us or forsake us—He will never leave His children in the dark.

     The verse also could have compared God’s word to a lantern—something that we guide and control.  With a lantern, we have the power to shine the light over whichever area of our path we desire to see more clearly.  Essentially, we are guiding our own lives—there is no reason for us to yield to God’s will and His sovereignty.  In effect, we are leading ourselves.  But God didn’t say that either.  He purposely said His word is a lamp to our feet.  Or in other words, this situation, this day, this choice.

     God has been teaching me a lot through this verse lately.  His light is shining over today.  In other words, we have this step clear to us, and not until we take that leap of faith, do we see the next step clearly.  The choices I am to make today are being made known to me when I need to know them—in His perfect time.

     So often I miss these revelations.  I put sunglasses on, fading the brightness of God’s grace over my present situation to squint and interpret the future.  I worry over the crashing waves in the distance before I ever even step out of the boat.  I miss God’s hands aiding and guiding me over those deafening waves because I am fearing the dark clouds looming in the distance.  When all I need to do is keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, on His light, to guide me—which He is ever doing through His grace.

     One of my most favorite hymns is by a woman named Helen H. Lemmel.  In the chorus she writes, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”  When Ms. Lemmel wrote this song, she had already been blind for years; having to trust God with each step.  While I desire to know God’s will spiritually, as do all Christians, she had to rely on God’s hand even physically.  Her hymn goes along with our verse from Psalm 119.  When we worry about the future—what is to come, and where we should be—we are allowing the fear of the world to take over our hearts and minds—to cloud our vision.  But when we focus on Jesus’ face, His wonderful, all-forgiving face, all of that grows dim in the midst of His glory.

     While it may seem somewhat unfair to have only the present situation in the light, God does not leave us without anything to go by.  Philippians chapter four, verses six and seven, say that when we present our requests and desires to God, His peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  This peace doesn’t always tell us straight out what God’s will is for our lives, but it transcends understanding.  An understanding that God is good that He will never leave us in the dark.  A peace that God knows and is guiding and purposing, all we need to do is learn to trust Him.

     I am still learning to take off my sunglasses and focus on the light of today’s step, and in that God’s grace abounds—praise Him!  So I do not know what His full will is for my life—I don’t know where I will go to college, when I will get married, or even who I will marry, for that matter; I do not know how many children I will have or what turns my life might take—but what I do know is that God has given me peace.  Peace for the present, a peace to trust Him.

     P.S.  I have to admit; I know a piece of what God’s will for your life is.  Would you like to know?  Funny thing is, it’s the same as mine.  His word will shed light over it.  Just read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, and remember to take off your sunglasses.  Praise God.

“My heart of faith keeps pounding so I know I’m doing find, but sometimes finding You, is just like trying to smell the color nine… Nine’s not a color, and even if it were you can’t smell a color. That’s my point exactly.”  - Chris Rice, “Smell The Color Nine”

My Sometimes Immovable Hands

I look down and see
Just me
Two little hands
That I direct unplanned

These hands

I can see, can dance
On the keys and make melodies
As praises to You

These hands,

Write words
And draw with the expression of the
Things of my heart

These hands are used

To express this compassion
Through a touch
And Love through contact

But sometimes these hands

Do not work as I plan

These hands shake and stall

To the point that they cannot move at all 

This desire to use my hands

To make the music of Your voice
And write the words of Your song
Was placed in me by You

This cannot be Your plan

These sometimes immovable hands
The expression of my hands
Are contracted and confined

Why must I sacrifice

This that I love and that
Which was given to me
To use for Your glory?

You are glorified by my hands

My desire to speak through these hands

Is Your plan
And this waltz they dance is my Love for You

I speak through my hands

These sometime immovable hands

Why must I be taught through these hands too?
Why must You temporarily take away the movement of my hands?

Yet this is how You speak to me

Through these sometime immovable hands
You gently urge me to listen
When I cannot move my hands

Instead of me playing and focusing on Your melody,

You allow me to listen to the harmony
And smile to the rhythm
When I cannot move my hands

You allocate these immoveable hands

For the purpose of my turn to listen
I need not always be the one to speak
But I also need to listen; to learn

I feel through my hands and comfort those

Who need it, but You allow me to be

Comforted and held by another

When I cannot direct these immovable hands

What I have learned

Through my sometimes immovable hands

Is they are not only my hands

They are Your hands that You gave

Your glory is not only through

What I speak through my hands

Your glory is ever shining

Even when they are immovable

I look down and see

Not just me, not just two little hands

But Your hand moving and purposing

Ever still through my immovable hands

Mystery in Modesty

    My house is out in a forest, at the top of a small, secluded road.  I have birch trees at the top of my driveway, my house is brick and I have a creek running in the backyard through the trees.  To get to the creek, one must walk under an arch made of purple wisteria, walk down many stone steps to get to the bottom of a hill where the creek is running.  It is truly beautiful.  I walked down the hill this morning to go by the creek, and, as always, it was beautiful.  However, something was different.  Most of the leaves on the trees were gone and scattered on the ground, leaving it wide open to see through the trees.  And, honestly, I was a little disappointed.

  
    I feel it necessary to say that fall is one of my favorite seasons, it is a new masterpiece every day—even when the sun is not shining.  I anticipate every year, the time when the leaves fall from the trees.  But, as I was saying, today it was not what I expected.  Usually, walking down those mossy stepping stones is like an adventure, only once you dare to take another step do you reveal even more beauty than when looking at a distance.  All the way down you slowly uncover more and more in this mystery hidden inside the trees.  If I had not experienced that mystery before—during the spring and summer when it was hidden behind the leaves—I would have missed out on the journey of uncovering that beauty.  It would have been out in the open for all to see.

    I recently finished a book on modesty.  Growing up with brothers, I have always had a different perspective on modesty—it was always just my family culture.  It became routine for me to make sure I was dressing appropriately.  However, not until a few months ago—when I started reading this book—did I realize what modesty actually means.  It is not just being conscious of clothing so as not to stumble my brothers in Christ—this is a great reason to be modest!—but it goes even deeper than that.  Psalm 45:11 says that God is enthralled with our beauty.  Enthralled.  In other words God is captivated and enraptured by our beauty so much that we are commanded therefore to honor Him in our beauty.  But what does that mean?

     We are told, even by our culture in some ways, that beauty is not just skin deep—one’s character can be truly beautiful.  I am a “character-type-person,” or in other words, I believe that someone could be the most physically attractive person in the world, but if they have bad character, or they are rude, selfish or crude, it can instantly make them very unattractive.  Beauty is definitely a part of the soul and character too.  And I believe that is what God is mostly enraptured by.  He is delighted in our hearts.  In Bethany Dillon’s song “Beautiful,” she says that she desires for God to see her and say she is beautiful, for Him to look in her heart and say she is enough.  That is the cry of every human’s heart, I believe.

     One way that we can honor God by our beauty is to cover up that which is meant to be a mystery.  As we should be physically modest so also we should guard our hearts and feelings through modesty.  Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all, guard your hearts, for it is a wellspring of life.”  While I believe in being vulnerable and authentic in our relationships with other people, I also believe that we should guard that which makes us as women—and men—a mystery.  Essentially, we should not tell every single person we meet every tiny detail about us.  Instead, we should, while being vulnerable where we can, and authentic in every way, balance that out with the mystery of our hearts.  We should slowly reveal our beauty in time.

     Now, what does this have to do with the trees and my creek?  Well, as I described above, I was disappointed in having all of the beauty and mystery revealed to me at the beginning—as I took the first few steps, I could see all the way down to the creek.  I could see that far down because the leaves had fallen so quickly.  There was almost, I felt, no reason to continue on because I felt I had seen everything already.  The joy in uncovering the mystery had vanished.  This is also how it is with modesty.  Girls, in our modern day culture, have revealed the mystery of themselves—physically and emotionally—too quickly because that is what they believe they need to do in order to be perceived as beautiful.  When in reality, that is not found attractive.  What people love is an authentic mystery.  While it may appear that revealing ourselves is what draws attention from guys right away, I believe it is not what they truly desire.  Men were created as gentle warriors.  They were designed to have to fight for a girl’s heart by wooing and earning her love and discovering her mystery slowly and over time.

     In letting time and tenderness reveal the mystery of ourselves, we honor God, but it also brings honor to our future spouses.  The apostle Paul says that our identities are “hidden in Christ.”  He is what gives us our mystery and allure.  In essence, we should hide our mystery in Christ for Him to reveal in His time.  Just as the leaves dance to the ground in fall—in obedience to God’s seasons—so the modesty of our hearts and bodies should be revealed in His time—in the perfect season.

Captivated

I am standing at the throne of God

Submerged in the Light of His power

And the beauty of His love

My heart feels what I had never felt

Before—I am in love

Truly in love

Every day I fell in love

With the beauty around me

With anything and everything

He is teaching me to dance in

His throne room, swinging and laughing

Singing and skipping, I pledged my heart to Him

I was alive—Walking was dancing to me

Every day was a story book

Every talk, a song

The sun was always there

And on some days, there were clouds too

But ever was the sun shining

He smiled as He took my hand

The King of Kings allowing me to glide

Across the floor—in His perfect waltz

“Will he always dance with me, as You do?
The One You are preparing for me?”
I giggled at our long awaited dream

He but smiled, always answering

Me with, “Love is patient, my child,
Your Knight is almost ready”

He told me He is cultivating this

Knight into the perfect dream

A dream we have whispered secrets about

He has sung to me the plan

He has for me; the One who will one day

Hold me, is also waiting for me

But my dance is not finished,

He is teaching me how to dance

For the day I will meet this Knight

The array of our one-two-three

Rhythm was for the purpose of Him

Teaching me to follow and my Knight to lead

He swings me across the floor

And my eyes catch a glimmer

A glimmer of nothing in particular

He notices my glance

And whispers again to me

“Look towards Me, baby”

I grin and He winks

My heart knows He is working

And His heart knows my desire

Days fly and Summer soars through

He takes my hand and walks with me;

He is my everything

As our music starts to play

The King led me to our starting spot

Our waltz begins

Just as every time before, we glide across the Floor

However, this time, He starts to slow

And my attention is caught

There he stood, as I danced with the Father

He was playing with the Son

And then I saw his smile

He beamed with the Light of Joy

And played with the Beauty of the Muse

He was a Knight I had never seen

The King stilled our dancing to a stop

And this Knight looked up,

Every piece of him shined

The King and His Son giggled

As our introductions were made;

Before I knew it, I was whisked away

“Who is he?” My heart asked

Of my King,
He but smiled and said, “Look towards me, Baby.”

So I did

I was then taken away,

To the other side of the Throne

We danced and danced,

And then the worship began

Singing and singing, my heart brightened

The King gently opened my eyes the vision

I saw, was nothing I could describe

This Knight was worshipping with the Light of Day

He smiled with eyes shut

And swayed as if nothing else mattered

He was truly in love

Again, I was whisked away

“Who is he?” My heart cried,

The King said nothing, just simply smiled

Dancing beneath the Stars

One night, He knew what was in

My heart before I even spoke

“You wonder about this

Knight, you saw?”
His eyes were gentle and His heart warm

I did not even need to speak

Before His smile

Began to spread

I felt deep within my heart

The familiar words He had always spoken

Yet this time, in a different light

“Love is patient, my child,
Your Knight… He is

Almost ready”

Contentment, I had never felt

As wonderfully before, than in this moment

Also a peace that my Knight, I will see

Days fluttered by, Dance after dance,

He was feeling my excitement

With each passing step

Every night as we would

Look up to the stars

I felt us getting closer and closer

“But who is he?”

My heart would ask

Patiently, He would listen

In response to my

Every prayer, He brought this Knight

Into my life

Even among questions and reasons,

Sudden distance and doubts

Only Your peace remains

Starting with nothing but Hello

And such a short time later

A sweet friendship was made

Smiling and laughing

Beneath the stars and rain

The essence of joy

Dreaming and dreaming

I could never have

Matched even a piece of you

Sunshine and Innocence

The brightest light among the stars

but not just that: You also love Him

You love the One who loves us

Teaches and saves us

The One who give us the lives we live

The One who composes

The symphonies of breath

And the key of our song

He created you

Knitting you together

With the hands of an artist

You have the heart

Of a Prince, and I

Am your Princess

I watch you from here

And you watch me from there

The King cultivating our every move

Then, with His prompting

You walk towards me

And I am captivated

The King and His Son

Holding either of our hands—

Stepping up to me, we feel Their joy and blessing

Just then, you lift your hand

And ask

“May I have this dance?”

Wandering

I try I think I can make it

Life was good

I was in want of nothing

Until it happened

I drifted in the sea

Away from You

You called me out

I turned, afraid,

I said no

I wandered in the desert

My forty years,

Because I yielded not to what I should

I said no to You

My world crashed

Stubborn, I stood

I thought I had it under control

Life is supposed to be easy

“Eat, drink and be merry”

Is that my purpose?

I am told from all corners that it is

“Life is short, live it up”

“Loosen Up

Don’t be so uptight

Live it up”

There was a war those days

A war for my heart

To be the captain of my soul

You or the world

I stood on the fence

Afraid to fall

I didn’t realize it then

But the truth was

I have already fallen

And I have a choice

To make

Everyday

Do I fall on a cruel, hardened world

That has fake ideas

Plastered everywhere?

Do I fall into the hands

Of something that has no care

Whether I live or die today?

Or do I fall

Give up my life

To find it

You break my fall

You hold me up

On wings like eagles

My wandering heart

Was lost,

Now it is found

You tame my wandering heart

Into a live beating soul

That soars in love with all

I understand,

I will continue to wander

My heart is human

But the thing I do know

Is deep down,

I love You with my whole

I will never purposely

Leave You

I love You

And in You,

I have also found

A purpose

This is what I dreamed of

It’s what I love

And so I thank You.

My life isn’t meant to live up

It’s meant to live out

It’s meant to be given

I love You.

Choose

In overtime this warrior stands
His stance wavering, sweat glistening,
Lungs burning
His body screams for a moments
Rest
His mind has also been yelling to him
From round one:

"Useless, useless,
It is only one battle, you can end it
Now! Your choice: an easy, quick choice,
Give in, let go, relax, roll over
Besides, you never really did have a chance
It's useless, useless"

This warrior once again sizes up
His opponent
Muscles rippling and a smile curving
His lips, why this foe is a giant!
Did he ever even have a chance?
Is he a fool to even fight?
The adversary's eyes seemed to say:

"Useless, useless,
It is only one battle, you can end it
Now! Your choice: an easy, quick choice,
Give in, let go, relax, roll over
Besides, you never really did have a chance
It's useless, useless"

His foe's coach even seemed
To count this fight as over
The crowd looked at him
With no hope-- besides one
She looked at him, knuckles white
Her eyes burned with an inner fire
And also with an unspoken message:

"This fight has not ended
You will finish strong,
Your Strength will be your Glory
Keep your head held high,
You will be victorious--
Unless you choose not to be
Do not lose heart, Choose Courage!"

Her message is clear
But how can he continue this
Fight when so many think
It useless?
He eyes then turned to his Coach
He looked confident and understanding
He said:

"This fight has not ended
You will finish strong,
Your Strength will be your Glory
Keep your head held high,
You will be victorious--
Unless you choose not to be
Do not lose heart, Choose Courage!"

Just then,
The whistle blew, the warriors
Rushed towards each other
The battle was over
One victorious, the other defeated
One coach stunned, the Other smiling
Who won? You choose.

"... the race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong..."
  - Ecclesiastes 9:11